As I descend into the furnace

Susie will pull out old pictures of us,

claim to be the one to hurt more because

we were twins although we weren’t. Nana will be stuck,

hold her chest down, an injured bird

wanting the sky to finish killing it. Mami

will be fixing her pillow ensnared in the fire

next to mine, except she’ll be organizing

a quinceañera for me although I’m dead. Before

old lovers, ex best friends take to the mic

tell them I wrote to my son every day for a year

because I knew I wouldn’t meet him. Tell them

I loved them well, just not wisely. When my father

shows up, holding his cowboy hat as if it were

the bundle of me he held years ago tell them

I was really sensitive, tell them I was always scared

to fall, so I was always nervous, although I never showed

them. Tia Patty will cry because, Why isn’t she dead after

wanting death all her life, yet here I am, so lucky. Abuelita

will push words out of her body in a beautiful song,

cicadas, or chirping scoprions. Abuelito will say I never

gave up till 6 pm. Tell them I loved Pokémon more than

I led on. Tell them sex motivated my body for a long time:

It’s anorexia, its obesity, its cry and scoliosis, tell them

sex made me quiet, made me always yearning,

tell them I wanted to be irrelevant, invisible, although I fought

to be seen. Tell them I’m glad my spine can release it’s hold

and I can succumb. Tell them of the river in Sequioa, how it

was the best lover I ever had. Tell them I offered my eggs, my sperm,

to my best friend and told her to have the child she wanted.

tell them I let go of all that I thought I wanted, a big house,

With big windows, by the big ocean, my back yard filled with

big trees, tell them how my world changed. How I let go of

control, released everyone from hold, tell them I learned to love

The slice of life I have, how no longer was it my job

to play god, bring to life a life that wasn’t mine. I hear claps,

whistles, and joyful yells while I drown on my stage a full person,

a free person. Tell them I chose to live in my light than hide under a rock.

tell them that all the players, no matter how much they hurt me,

made me better. Tell them to stay. Tell them to forget the past,

tell them I’m not mad. Tell them my door never actually closed

and how they’re still welcome here, as I burn.